You’re sitting at home alone, watching the TV as reality unfolds. Zombies are here. They’re attacking, eating. And you hear a smash somewhere in another room – a zombie is entering your house. What do you do?
Me? I’d shit m’self and run away. But before we go soiling any pants, let’s discuss it. What do you do when a zombie enters your home?
For this scenario, we’re going to assume the zombie apocalypse is just beginning. We’re not living in a complete post-apocalyptic world just yet – fight or flight is still an option.
Step 1: Move to a hiding place
Zombies are drawn to human flesh, and as we discussed in the article “How fit do you need to be to survive the zombie apocalypse?“, could be physically far stronger than your average human. Because they shamble and stumble and groan, it may seem logical to attack immediately with the nearest weapon and try to Hollywood your way out of the situation. However, this is mega dumb. You needlessly put yourself at risk, and when you’re at risk, so is your family.
When you attack a zombie, you needlessly put yourself at risk – and when you’re at risk, so is your family.
Instead, it’s important that you try to avoid the zombie and remain out of sight. It’s possible that, due to it being rotten and all, it may not be able to sense that you are there – it could just be coming for a look, or because its zombie brain said, “Let’s smash this window…blarg.”
One of the best places to hide is a safe room (which most security companies recommend you have for human intruders, anyway). This room would ideally be stocked with food, water and medical supplies, and a weapon or two. You should also be able to lock it from the inside.
Remain here until the zombie moves on. If there are still emergency services operating, contact them immediately – but keep your voice low. Turn off all lights if it’s night time, and make as little sound as possible. You don’t want to let the zombie know you’re there.
Step 2: If you don’t have time, distract the zombie
You won’t always have the chance to go straight to a safe room. Or, even worse, maybe you could get there, but the stupid shambling son of a gun is between one of your family members and the safe room. This is where a distraction technique could come in handy.
Many car key-fobs these days will have an alarm activation button. By pressing this, your car alarm will set off and the zombie – intrigued by the sudden turn of events – will likely go out to investigate. You can now gather in your safe room, lock the door, and call the authorities.
Warning: You must remember that a car alarm may also attract zombies from around the neighbourhood, potentially making your situation far worse. Only use your car alarm in an absolute emergency, and ensure you switch it off as soon as possible.
No car alarm fob? Yeah me neither. So are we just f**ked then? Maybe, but here are other distraction possibilities:
- Use a remote to turn on the TV
- Quietly slide a cellphone into another room and get someone else to call it
- Ring your landline phone from another room (but make sure that only one handset will ring – disable any others)
- Just bloody throw something and hope for the best
Step 3: Fighting techniques for if you are encountered
Distraction and flight are your front lines of defense, but if you’re caught by surprise, there’s still a chance you’ll get spotted. If this happens, you must be prepared to defend yourself and your family. If not? Munch time.
Now remember. The real-life post apocalypse is not post apocalyptic fiction – as in, you’re not the protagonist, and you won’t automatically beat all fights. You can’t afford to be in close-quarters combat with a zombie for long because a) They will likely be stronger than you, or at least more ferocious; b) The slightest scratch or bite risks infection.
What you should focus on is incapacitating the zombie as quick as possible so that you can escape and follow Steps 1 and 2. Zombies are fundamentally human, and many of the same attacks will work on them.
How to fight back quickly and effectively
Citizen Defence Training suggests that, using a hard weapon (not your hands), go straight for the face or neck. Zombies still need to see, and you can still disrupt their ability to do so by breaking the shit out of their face. Using a weapon also means you don’t put your hands near their teeth – an infection risk.
Some zombies may also still need to breathe, and crushing their wind pipe will go a long way to stopping them in their tracks. Assuming they won’t just fight through the suffocation. But at the very least, it puts a time limit on how long they will fight back.
Another option is to swiftly and violently kick at their knees. Breaking one or two knee caps mafioso style will ensure that the zombie can’t follow you very quickly. After this, you can flee to your safe room, activate a distraction, and call the authorities.
Notice how I didn’t say, “Break its knees so it’s easier to kill”? Yeah, don’t try that. Just flee. The longer you remain in contact with a zombie, the more your risk of infection. Just get out of there.
Theoretically, with these four tips, you should be able to survive your initial encounter with a zombie intruder. Once you’re safe, make sure you keep a constant ear on the radio or any form of broadcast the military can use to let you know what to do and where to go. Follow all instructions and, above all, be safe.
You’ll be fine. What’s the worst a zombie can do, right?
…right?
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