Your survival partner is wounded, weak or giving up – but you need to carry on, to keep living. For that, you need … food.

It’s the end of the world. This ain’t no post-nuclear fiction, m’ buckeroo, this is real life. The bombs have dropped, the zombies have come, or the chickens have gained sentience and systematically irradiated the human species – no matter how you ice it, this cake is still apocalypse flavoured.

But cooking and eating a human – especially one you have to slaughter yourself – isn’t exactly common practice, as I’m sure you’re well aware (hopefully). So how do you go about it?

Well, here’s a recipe: How to cook human meat!

Step 1: Find the right human

You wouldn’t just walk up to any old animal and expect it to be perfect. Nor can you expect the same from humans. The size, weight and age of a human is going to dictate the quality of the cut, much like beef or venison.

Quick tip: Big, strong muscles will equate tough, chewy meat, while a lack of any weight will mean you get very little to eat. If you want the perfect human, you want someone with – well – with a bit of meat on their bones!

After researching this subject, it would also seem that younger is better.

Also, yes, there are a lot of modern resources on this subject readily available. I’m not sure what that says about our culture.

Step 2: Prepare properly

If someone has fallen and died in the spike pit you made on Valentine’s Day, the worst is over – taking a life. Now it’s a matter of butchery; a cut of meat like any other … except it’s not like any other.

By god, this article is horrific to write. OK. No, let’s keep going.

To properly prepare, you need to do the following:

1. Bleed the body: You can do this by hanging it up somewhere and cutting open arteries and veins.
2. Take out what you don’t want: This will likely be the internal organs. Though if you’re starving in a post-nuclear wasteland, you might want to save them despite how gross they are.
3. Figure out which bits you want to eat: Humans are like any other animal when it comes to meat cuts. You’ve got ribs and rump, thigh, breast, shoulder – all of it. If you’re a madman with lots of humans, you can be choosy and just take what you like the most. If this is your last, desperate meal in order to survive, just grab anything. Fuck it. It’s all horrific anyway.
4. Take off the skin: You’ll need to remove the skin to get at your meaty bits. This will also take off hair, pus-filled wounds and other inedibles that have formed during the post-apocalypse. You can turn this skin into leather, should you need clothing, bags and other survival essentials.

Step 3: Cooking the specimen

Now you theoretically have a pile of meat that’s good to eat (blugh), and it’s time to get to the cooking.

Ingredients

• Human meat
• Seasoning where available
• Fire
• Sticks for a spit roast

Method

1. Build your fire using a traditional method (if you don’t know how to do this, you’re doomed anyway – you may as well not eat and make it quicker)
2. Using long, large sticks, create a spit roast frame on either side and over the top of the flame
3. If you don’t know how to make a spit roast frame, just grab a few long, thick sticks (or something else long and sharp), and you can use it like a hand-held spit roast
4. Season your human meat to taste, or to hide the taste
5. Flame the bastard, turning regularly to evenly cook on all sides
6. Because this is a) human flesh and b) a terrifying nightmare of a wasteland, you’ll want to cook the meat right through. Don’t go for rare or medium rare, just in case. It may help to cut your meat into smaller chunks, to speed up cooking and to avoid burning the outside while the inside still isn’t ready.

Now you’re ready to survive, and I’m ready to go curl in a ball in a corner and regret writing this article.

Happy eating.

But probably not.

You monster.

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