Like all good blogs about life after everything you know has turned into a grotesque, irradiated nuclear wasteland, I’m here today to talk to you about surviving such an occasion. Now, this won’t like any other horrible event that you’ve been subjected to -it’s not a dull wedding, a lame party or, heaven forbid, a poetry recital by someone you KNOW can’t write good lyrics – this is fo real. Ain’t no first world problem nonsense here.
These are tips for surviving a future where we all stop showing our dicks to one another and just drop the bombs already.
First, what can you expect from the blast?
Before we proceed with planning, we need to know what we’re in for.
According to the US government’s Department of Homeland Security (DoHS), a nuclear explosion will have certain symptoms:
- An explosion of “intense light and heat”
- A wave of ferocious pressure
- Radioactive fallout that can spread for miles around, contaminating everything it touches
The size of the shockwave will be determined by the size of the bomb. For reference, Atomic Archive states that the Hiroshima blast burned everything within a 4.4-square-mile (11 square kilometre) radius, and everything within a 1-mile radius was utterly wiped out.
So this leads to the first, best advice…
1. Don’t be under the bomb
In post-apocalyptic fiction, everyone you meet has either survived the event or is the offspring of someone else who did. You never really hear about the folk who were there at the time.
Well, considering you will be there, take heed of the DoHS’s advice. If you live near a potential nuclear target, get the fuck outta there. We’re talking military bases, government centres (parliament buildings, department headquarters etc), manufacturing plants and factories, and, of course, airports, seaports and the like.
If you suspect a bomb is imminent, go live in the country. It’s nice there, I swear (nicer than being burned alive, anyway).
How to survive a nuclear attack in 1982. pic.twitter.com/X7A9aP0d1q
— Georgia Newmarch (@thenewmarch) October 22, 2015
2. Build a shelter
Now, moving your ass is certainly no instant win. Sometimes you still need a shelter. This doesn’t need to be underground, though digging down will certainly help cut out some of the next bits I’m going to write.
In the book “Nuclear War Survival Skills” by Cresson Kearny, it is outlined that the harmful effects of radiation can actually be mitigated (mostly) by having a compacted-earth barrier system. That is, multiple walls with around 18 inches (45 centimetres) of dirt between them. This is a lot to build, but radiation can seep through regular walls and still cause harmful effects to human occupants. By building this shelter, you could reduce this dose to something harmless.
If you don’t have the equipment to build such a structure, your basement or cellar is your next best bet. That said, make sure you cover all windows with additional wood, bricks or anything else you have. Some even suggest going all roomception on your house’s ass and building a room within the room, for additional protection.
Finally, those of you who lack a basement entirely should panic intensely, ask your friends if they have one, or just build a shelter room at the absolute centre of your home – as far from the outside walls as you can get.
The US DoHS states that radiation fallout should reduce in intensity very quickly, and within two weeks should be down to just 1 per cent of its original level. So you won’t need to stay indoors for too long.
3. Pack that mother with supplies
Now that you have a shelter, it needs kitted out. Though inevitably you will need to use your valuable supplies to travel the Waste, supe up your car with spikes and guns, and just generally pretend you’re in a post-apocalyptic story, for now you will be cowering in fear and hoping the radiation Boogey man doesn’t find you.
You’re going to need food that will last, first of all. Remember, you might be in there for a fortnight, so don’t buy anything perishable. Rice and pasta are good starts, as are flour, canned goods and anything freeze-dried.
Don’t forget water, too. According to the Institute of Medicine, the average male needs 3 litres of water per day, with females at around 2.2 litres. If it’s just you and your partner, multiply that number by 14 and you’ll need 77 litres minimum of fluids. Add more if you want water for washing or cooking (which you’ll need if you want to make pasta, rice and flour). You’ll need even more if you’re a gay couple, though potentially less for two females.
Let’s not also forget:
- Medical supplies: Of which you’ll want painkillers, antibiotics, bandages, sterilising solutions, tweezers and scissors, and gloves.
- Communications equipment: Authorities will be trying to give you as much information as possible, so a radio with plenty of spare batteries will help you immensely. I would also recommend keeping a second, and possibly a third spare radio – you never know when Clutsy McClutsalot will drop the first one. Or when a screaming mutant will break into your home and smash it.
- Bedding: You might not care too much about your PJs, but blankets and pillows will be a godsend after the blast.
- Toiletries: If radioactive fallout should get on you, you’re going to need to wash it off really well with soap. Plus, you can’t go wrong with toothpaste and some toilet paper.
Emergency Kit with toilet seat – when you gotta go on the go http://t.co/n1y8OWRcn7 pic.twitter.com/uRFtihVbH9
— Survival Kits (@SafetyKitStore) August 28, 2015
Granted, all of these tips will go out the window when a blast actually hits, but hopefully you’ll feel at least an ounce prepared now! Good luck, folks. I’ll see you all after the apocalypse.