What’s the one thing humans will need to do after blazing missiles of fury come down from the heavens and obliterate everything you’ve ever known and cared about? No, the answer isn’t ‘wander around the nuclear Wasteland with a cool hat like some fictional post-apocalyptic hero‘.
The answer is: Repopulate the Earth. Bow chica–oh god, mutants! Run! Ruuunnn!!! Every survivor for themselves!
Here’s some dating advice I think you might find useful when attempting to rebuild society from a crumbling ash heap.
1. Check if they are worthy of your time
The world might have descended into something a post-apocalyptic writer (with too much free time) would concoct, but that doesn’t mean you’re relegated to dating just any old slob. Throw off the shackles of social pressure* and truly consider what type of human being is right for you.
Online magazine Marie Claire states that one of the ways to tell if you should date someone is if it’s never a struggle to have a conversation. When you get genuinely excited just to speak with this person, they are more than worth your time. That said, if the person’s mouth has melted off at some point in their life, they may not be able to speak back. As far as I’m concerned, that’s a win-win, right?
2. Consider dating your close friends
Trust is important in any relationship, and indeed perhaps more important when even the slightest betrayal could lead you to an untimely death. Well, as untimely as is possible in an irradiated, desperate Wasteland.
Women’s Health, backed up by author and doctor Jane Greer, states that dating your best friends isn’t something to avoid, but indeed to welcome with open arms (no matter how many arms you have). If you’re friends with someone, you must already share a lot in common. This can make spending time with them more comfortable, and a lot less awkward when some of your flesh is falling off. No need to hide it, just ask for some assistance and laugh about it later.
Of course, if your best friend is an inanimate object that you found rusting by the side of the road, dating will be easier, but repopulating a little trickier. So consider what you want before asking anyone out.
3. Be confident
Everyone is beautiful, and it doesn’t matter how many layers of rot and horror lie between someone’s eyes and your inner-self – you’re still awesome. If you truly believe this, you will likely find things with your new partner go a lot less awkwardly. Comfort really does breed comfort.
It’s undeniable that some people judge based on something as superficial as skin, but you can take solace in the fact that, when everybody’s bodies are forming boils, tumours or green patches, your imperfections won’t be so noticeable.
And actually, if someone judges you because your finger fell off, fuck that person. Gouge their eye out with it! Then let your inner-self shine and you’ll attract a compatible mate like three-eyed giant sharks to fleshy human legs.
*Unless you have been enslaved by a horrid Waste king/queen, in which case begin plotting an escape attempt.