Just because the world has ended, doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy Valentine’s Day. Indeed, February 14 is a day to spend with your beloved or beloveds (no judgement) amid chocolate, heart-shaped cardboard and plenty of the colour red. But should the world one day end and human civilisation descend into the horrid madness of a post-nuclear wasteland, there’s still no excuse not to pull out all the stops for your special person* on this romantic occasion.
To that end, this article will help you get through a post-apocalyptic Valentine’s Day!
*I say ‘person’ here, because after the world ends, who knows whether your loved one will be strictly human.
Preparing for Valentine’s Day
Creating a day that is sufficiently momentous will take a bit of planning, so you need to be prepared to go the distance. And because you likely won’t have a working vehicle, distance may well be what you go.
There are three top priorities, for men and women (and those who are somewhere in between) for the lead-up to Feb 14.
1. Some special grooming
Look, it’s not embarrassing to be sprouting hairs where you don’t expect them, like your feet, or fingers … or eyeballs. And, quite frankly, in a post-apocalyptic world, most people will be used to a stench far worse than whatever died under your arm pits. But just because these things are acceptable, doesn’t mean you can’t spruce yourself up a bit for your special person.
It’s not embarrassing to be sprouting hairs where you don’t expect them, like your feet, or fingers … or eyeballs.
My advice would be to trim trim trim and clean clean clean. When it’s raining acid once every few days, there’s no excuse not to step outside with a scrubbing brush, lather yourself up and let the rain burn off your outer layer of truly hideous skin. This simple shedding process should also help clear your hairs – but of course you can always cut those off with a machete, too.
2. Make a mixed tape
Mixed tapes are a simple piece of mathematics. You take your love of music in one hand, a handy-dandy voice recorder in the other, put them together and voila! A piece of your soul recorded for eternity.
It might be difficult to find a functioning voice recording device in a post-nuclear landscape, but keep an eye out. Or three eyes. Wail into it with all your heart and deliver it to your loved one’s doorstep – he, she or it will be forever connected to you in a special way.
3. Prepare flowers
Preparing a lovely bouquet of flowers will be pretty difficult when there isn’t much in the way of florists around, or, really, anything much in the way of flora in general. But you have to try, because it doesn’t matter what shoddy piece of romance you present to your partner – what will be noticed is the attempt. You’ll get a medal of participation whether you win or lose, and that makes you a winner regardless.
If you can’t find any plant life that doesn’t want to kill you, you can easily make faux plants out of bits of junk. Use your dismembered old leg as a stem, and shards of glass for petals. The rotting ooze seeping out of your pores will make for an excellent glue, but there’s usually also duct tape lying around.
Celebrating the day itself
Now it’s Feb 14! Time to celebrate love, passion and still being alive against literally all odds. So what to do?
1. Have a lovely meal together
Dinner is always a safe bet on Valentine’s Day. Food is survival, and survival is sexy. So, thus, eating together must obviously be sexy.
Food is survival, and survival is sexy. So, thus, eating together must obviously be sexy.
I recommend going out hunting the night before, so you’re not stuck wandering the Waste when you’d rather be at home spending quality time together. Use some old scraps of food to set a few traps near major roads and highways, as these tend to collect the best prey. Cages work well, but if you can’t build one, there’s always spike pits! Hard to dig, certainly, but they require very few additional resources.
There’s always a traveller wandering the roads of the Waste, so soon someone will see your food lying out, run over to finally eat after however many days and fall straight into your trap. You can leave them down there overnight, and just throw spears at them the next morning.
Simply chop them into smaller pieces, lightly sear over a hot fire and enjoy.
2. Special sex
Sex is a beautiful thing at all times of year, even though you and your partner’s bodies are disfigured beyond recognition, with pieces falling off regularly. This doesn’t matter so long as you love each other. But, just because it’s great all the time doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy it even more so on February 14.
So how to spice it up? Get some costumes and some toys together – something to break from the norm. You could dress up as an adventurer, coming to save the prince or princess. Or perhaps one of you could be a hideous monster that just wants some love and affection, and the other is both that love and indeed affection. The boundaries are only as vast as your imagination.
Just remember, if you’re going to use any fancy toys down there, you need to clean them first lest you risk infection and, most likely, death. Wait for an acid storm to pass through and get everything outside, turning the toys regularly to clean all sides.
If you’re going to use any fancy toys down there, you need to clean them first.
Now you’re ready!
With everything listed here, you’re destined for a very special Valentine’s Day in the post-apocalypse. Just remember to treat your partner with love and respect, and put some effort into what you either make or organise. Effort always shines through, even if your craftsmanship sucks (or your food human runs away because your pit wasn’t deep enough).
What is your post-apocalyptic Valentine’s advice? Leave a comment below!
Want more awesome post-apocalyptic advice? Well, I can’t you’re sane, but you can get plenty by following author Duncan P. Pacey on his Facebook or Twitter pages!
