Now: BEEP BEEP BEEP. It’s your phone going off in the middle of the night because your best friend fell (hard) off the wagon and you forgot to turn the volume off your smartphone.

After the apocalypse: BEEP BEEP BEEP. Your only friend in the entire world just texted you to warn that mutants were crawling around the building you were sleeping in, and you forgot to turn the volume off. Now the mutants know you’re here, and they’re going to chase you until you collapse. Then they’ll eat you alive and there will be absolutely nothing you can do except scream in utter, terrifying agony.

Yep, post-apocalyptic life is sure a lot like the modern day. In fact, our first-world problems will probably still get us down even after the bombs drop. Here are three situations you’ll still find annoying even when you’re living in a vast, unending Wasteland nightmare.

Your laptop/computer freezing

According to a poll by Nurofen, the most annoying thing in the world is a laptop or computer freezing. You might not think this will be all that relevant after everything you know and love has been dissolved by rampant radiation, but that’s not true. Technology won’t evaporate just because civilisation as we know it does – indeed, with gadgets such as a solar backpack, you can still have the basic necessities such as a smartphone, Kindle ebook thingy and, of course, laptop computer.

That said, after the apocalypse, you’ll have to contend with more dust getting into the vents. You’ll also have pretty much zero Wi-Fi, and groups of bandits hunting you down with axes and sticks so that they can steal your computer and beat you to death. Oh, as well as that, considering a devastating nuclear winter could, according to Britannica, lower temperatures by as much as 11-20 degrees Celsius, really the thing you ought to worry about freezing is yourself.

Getting punched in public

Hanging out in a busy CBD area is a lot of fun on a Friday night, but the ancient mathematical equation of people+alcohol frequently equals ‘you getting punched in face’. Indeed, I took a look at data on Statistics NZ and found that the national Kiwi average rate of being assaulted publically (or robbed) is about 52 per cent per 10,000 people. So in reality, it’s not all that high, but not impossible, either.

When you’re desperately living out a real-life post-apocalyptic story, you’re still at risk in major populated centres. However, you can swap the stereotypical drunk jock for an overgrown mutated hulking monster, or perhaps a slobbering, vicious beast that used to be somebody’s charming house pet. Rather than try to act tough and go nose-to-nose with your would-be assailant, I recommend running and cowering. Maybe sobbing, too. You’ll live longer that way. Fuck your pride, right?

Stepping in dog muck

Oh man, this has to be the worst, right? Especially if you have new shoes on. In fact, I don’t have numbers for it, but I BET the chances of you putting your flashy new Chucks in a steaming pile of dog mess is higher than if you had on your “I don’t care today” boots.

Other people have voted this as one of the top 10 annoyances of life, too. A milk company called Lactofree did a survey like the Nurofen one, and putting your foot in dog shit came in seventh place.

Now imagine trudging through the Waste. A broken, cracked road extends far out in front of you. The radiation beats down on your face, gently warming you. It’s a good day.

Squish.

You stepped in radioactive cow dung. Not only does it smell as bad as the real deal, it also has enhanced potency that attracts rabid, wild animals from far greater a distance. Now a pack of two-headed wolves is chasing you, drool streaming out of their mouths amidst the foam. These are your last few moments alive on this brown, dusty Earth. And you ruined your new Chucks.

What are your biggest frustrations? Leave a comment below, or get in touch with me on Facebook or Twitter!